Expectations: The Unspoken 'Shoulds' in Relationships

0:08 Hey, my name is Teresa Hildebrand and this is Organized Chaos. We take a deep dive into living with intentionality, focusing on what's important in our lives so we can truly feel our best. It may feel chaotic at times, but with a little organization, the right mindset and a ton of self-love, we can still thrive. Join me as we talk to other busy moms and experts who will share tips and strategies to help you reach your goals. Hope you enjoy this episode of Organized Chaos. Now on to the show. Hey, everyone, welcome back to the show. So today I'm joined by my husband again, mark. Yes. Anyway, today we're actually going to talk about something really interesting, and I've been wanting to have Mark come on and just kind of explain this whole thing, because I think it's going to be kind of mind blowing once we kind of get into explaining what it is.

1:05 But basically we're going to be talking about how we have instruction, manual or guide that we have for someone in our lives, about how we would like them to behave so that we can feel good or happy about ourselves or whatever situation that we have. So that's kind of like a deep concept, don't you think? Yeah, I know that you don't want me to talk about the dishwasher. Don't wait. If he starts saying like, if he starts talking about the dishwasher, you can just like turn off the podcast, if you want. Okay. So, in all seriousness, yes, this is something that I learned through my life coaching training.

1:48 Talking about the manual, and I know, like, what was it like? Two or three weeks ago, I was teaching some of our master coaches about like, why, like, really just the ideas behind this manual we have, like this manual, why? Why I like to think of it that way is because you know, when we get something, we buy something new, we have come and comes with instructions, but we never read it. This manual is something that we have for people in our lives. We have manuals for ourselves and basically what it is is, like Teresa said, and this is this is what we have like actual. To get really concise on what a manual is, it's an instruction guide we have for someone in our lives about how we would like them to behave, which is act, so that we can feel good or feel happy.

2:28 And this is like, um, sometimes for our kids, like we have an instruction manual. A lot of times they don't even know about it that if they do these things, it means to us that maybe we are good parents, but if they do these other things, it means that there's something wrong with us and we're not good parents, et cetera, et cetera. What we were talking about earlier is, like you know, the dishwasher is something that I talk about a lot. I literally wrote about it in my book because and here's the thing because it's like really weird when you think about this Like there's some things that maybe you have going on around your house whether it's the dishes or whether it's like different mundane tasks or things that you're doing or you expect somebody else to do, and when they don't do that do those things, you feel that it makes you not have the ability of being happy or feel like you're loved, or you make it mean something else about you and it's not in a positive way.

3:22 And the truth is that we have these manuals that we expect other people to follow in order for us to feel good, and when we are linked to other people's actions, as in terms of whether we are happy or not that's when we start to struggle ourselves, because we are now linked to somebody else, right? And? And whether or not we feel good about ourselves and good about the day or good about our life has to do with like other people's actions, and that's something you can never control. You can influence it, but you can't necessarily control it. So I know, when I was teaching this, Teresa was like hey, this is something we need to bring to the podcast, because it's something that we need to bring more awareness to. So yeah, and you know, going back to okay, why am I bringing up the dishwasher?

4:05 You're doing it this time. I'm trying to avoid that, but I mean, in reality, like we don't realize that we're doing this right. Because, let's say, I expect you and this is about expectations, I expect you to act a certain way, because I don't know. I mean, how does this even pop up in our minds like of how someone should act, and I mean it could be from any angle that you can think of, because, as my husband, I expect you to act a certain way. Or maybe just from experience, like now even if I don't think about it consciously like I expect you to like open the door for me when we're getting in the car, because you've done it for as long as I've known you.

4:51 So it's kind of like that's an expectation I guess I have of you, but then in other times I have an expectation for you to do something that I haven't even actually expressed to you verbally. So how would you even know? And I think we get into this issue where it's like we're trying to think in our heads that this is the way someone is supposed to act for me to feel good. However, they have no idea that I think this way, and why would that even matter, right? Yeah, and kind of like what you're saying there. I know you understand this because we talk a lot about our push method and whatnot and set up our mastermind teams.

5:35 But really when you start to think that other people are making you feel certain ways, like they're making me angry, they're making me sad, they're making me happy nobody else can do that for you. It's always about the thoughts and the stories that you have in your brain that allow you to feel that certain way. So when we think about that, when we think about other people making us happy or sad and it's being done by things that we're not even like, they don't even know that they're doing it actually what we're doing is we're hurting ourselves by having these expectations doing is we're hurting ourselves by having these expectations. So sometimes people think that, like um, that they're letting somebody off the hook if they don't have any expectations for them. But in reality, remember, the other person has no idea.

6:16 Like I know that I try and open the door as much as possible, but there's some times that I don't remember, or sometimes I'm in a hurry, or sometimes other things are kind of going on, and I don't want that to mean to to give you the signal that I don't love you because I'm like, okay, that doesn't make any sense, like I just didn't open the door. But it's so very easy for us to get trapped into thinking, oh well, this is what this thing means when in reality there's so many other outside circumstances that are kind of going on. So, um, manuals are one of those things where it actually hurts you more than it does the other thing. Can I, can I give an example of that? Yeah, go ahead. Okay. So I was coaching somebody who, um was uh, they had been, uh, divorced, in the process of going through a divorce, and they had gotten very frustrated with they believe was from their um ex wife.

7:03 And here's the thing, when you have manuals or expectations of how people should act and this is one of the conversations that I had with him is like why would you want to give your power to somebody who's in this example, his ex-wife? He thought had done all of these terrible things and like he's basically using it against himself to make himself feel even worse. So anytime that he would go over to to her house to like, drop off the kids or do exchange or whatever, it would have this thought. And if you guys have ever thought this before. It's something that is pretty common and it's like they're just trying to make me blank. So that's kind of the story that we tell ourselves.

7:45 Oh, they're just trying to make me blank. So that's kind of the story that we tell ourselves oh, they're just trying to make me angry. Oh, they're just trying to get me frustrated. Oh, they're just trying to. But what we do is, if you don't understand how the push method works, you actually manifest that. So after every single conversation, every single time, they would actually make him mad. At least that's what he thought. And when you can separate yourself from that and realize it just doesn't have anything to do with her, it has everything to do with your thoughts about it. It's like it's a total game changer when you are able to take that control back, does that make sense? Yeah, and I think, even if what he thought was true, why would that? Why would, like you said, why would he give that power to that person?

8:25 And of course, there's always two sides to a story, right? But if he truly believed this, and let's say it was true, so what right? He can still act according to what he believes and really give himself the power back right and really give himself the power back right. So let me ask you this what are some of the common things or common expectations that you hear about or that you know probably people can kind of think about so they can become aware of whether they're doing this? Okay, great point, great point. So I've been talking a lot recently about maybe not necessarily not always thinking about like what you need to add or what you need to do in place, but instead of what you need to stop doing.

9:09 So what do you need to stop doing? So I want to give you some different ideas of some things that people have told me during coaching sessions and it's kind of funny because you know, being a police officer, being a business coach, you'd think that I would be coaching primarily in those avenues, but in reality, one of the areas that I love to talk about so much is like family, right, which is why I love this idea of manuals, because when we drop the manual, we actually create the connection that we want. So some of the things that you want to think about that maybe comes up is like somebody should remember your anniversary or your birthday. Somebody should have invited you to like a party or to go someplace, right, that this person should always be kind and understand when I'm angry or frustrated.

9:51 This person should always support me. I hear that a lot Like people get into business and they're like well, I don't have a supportive spouse, and that's like a manual that you have written and remember. It doesn't make life harder on them, it makes life harder on you. Okay, that's the key thing with manuals. All right, they should tell me that they love me more often. They should buy me something special for blank day, right? Um, they should know what I like. They should spend less time at work. They should spend more time with the kids. They shouldn't watch TV so much. So, any of these things, like a lot of times, like like Teresa was saying, like we haven't even verbalized these to the other person it's just like merely an underlying thing that they should automatically do, because it guess what If they forget about our birthday or anniversary or whatever, like this means that they don't love us, but in reality, that has nothing to do.

10:40 One does not have anything to do with the other. It's just that you believe it so much that it's actually feels like it's true for you. So those are some of the really the ones that I see come up over and over and over and over again. Yeah, and I think it's like a necessary torture on yourself to have these expectations or a manual for people when you haven't expressed them. Now, how do we because I mean, I feel like it would be really hard to like really push against this right, Because I think, as I think it's pretty human to have expectations for people how can we start like reversing this or at least catching yourself and saying, okay, what is it that I can do so that I drop that manual or drop those expectations?

11:32 Because, like I said, like you're just unnecessarily torturing yourself when you keep putting on these expectations and aren't being met. So how do we do that? Okay, so I'm going to give you two answers One of them you'll like, one of them you won't like. I'll start with the one you don't like. You need to get somebody who understands the philosophies of life coaching so they can pull it out of your specific situation. Like I can't teach you something on a podcast that's going to apply for every single situation that you put yourself into, because you can't. There's not like a one size fit all thing. That's the power of coaching, life coaching and really finding somebody who understands those philosophies and what leads you down the path of like we know as the facts, the things that happen outside of us to all the way to the end where we're creating results in our life, right, so I would first say find a coach, or find somebody to help guide you through your personal thing, because you've got the behind the scenes view and it may not necessarily make a lot of sense what I'm about to say right now because there isn't a way that I framework that one framework that I can teach you, other than the push method that would actually be able to get you to see it in your situation.

12:35 And even then I know it and sometimes I need to get coached from the outside. So that's the first piece that you might not like. The second piece that you probably will like is number one is the first way that we can solve this is becoming aware of it. So, becoming aware of it, it's the difference between, sorry, you feeling something in your body and going, huh, I wonder why I'm feeling this way. And then realizing that there's something, there's a manual, there's some sentence in your mind, there's a story that's going around, even if it's unconscious, because most of our thoughts are unconscious that's getting you to feel this certain way. I remember you and I were talking about this yesterday. We're like like there's specific words, let's say like the word intense. When you think of intense, how does that make you feel in your body?

13:20 Like it happens automatically, you don't have to think about it. Oh, what do I think about the word intense? Or what do I think about the word divorce? Or what do I think about COVID? It immediately stems something in your body because you have this relationship with it that you don't know. There's a thought that's kind of like really driving it right. So just becoming aware of it going, that's weird. I wonder why I feel this way. You can maybe take. You can take a little bit of a sidestep back and take a look and realize like, hey, there's something else here that is my part of the equation, there's something here that I'm doing that's creating this experience for myself. And if those are the only two things you do, you will be able to like start to realize what some of those things are that you're doing. Of course, working with a coach will get be able to get inside and really find out that specific situation.

14:03 Um, but really, number one is realizing that you know you're, you have a manual, and when you feel that certain way. Number one is realizing that you have a manual and when you feel that certain way, realize like, hey, you know what, I've got to take ownership of my part of this equation, right. And I know that people generally will go to the next step, which is like what should I do? Right, that's the big thing is like, what should I do? And my answer as a life coach is what do you want to do? Right? What do you want to do? Because some people think that this, what I'm telling them is that they should stay in a bad relationship or they should stay in a unhealthy, like domestic violence situation and it's like no, realize that you have a manual in that situation, right, realize you have it for the other person, they have it for you. Take ownership of it and say, hey, there's a part of this that I'm doing on myself. And now what? And now what am I going to do?

14:43 Like, what action am I going to do? Like, what action am I going to take? Am I going to, you know, separate myself from the situation? You still get to take control of your actions and the things you do, but you get to be in control of that. And it's not the result of you being angry or frustrated, because nobody makes the best decisions when they're, like, really filled with different emotions that they can't control themselves. So that's what life coaching does. It gives you an opportunity to take that step back so that it doesn't seem like it's happening to you. In that moment, you can come up with a better decision Instead of reacting to it. You can get a moment to really think about it and make that response, which is literally four or five seconds more. It's not like I got to take three days to figure this out. No, it doesn't. You can do that in your brain.

15:34 Right, yeah, and that obviously takes practice. But I also want to kind of give you a recent example of this and how, myself, as a coach, I still had to get coached through a situation. So I have these expectations for my kids to listen to me. When I first tell them to do something Right and actually the other day I was telling them to be quiet and like it seems like I forget that they are just doing their own thing. They can hear me, but they choose not to do what I asked them to do. So of course I'm, you know, not making excuses, but I had a lot of stuff going on and it kind of like that anger kind of built up in me and I yelled. So you know, of course I felt bad afterwards, but in the moment I was like dude, why aren't these kids listening to me and why do they continue to do this?

16:27 So, so, this is kind of like how that process starts and I I want you to kind of take note of this, because this is, this is how we interpret things and how it kind of snowballs into this, manifesting the things that we don't want. So, as I was like hey, you guys, you need to be quiet and like I was getting just more angry because they weren't listening to me. So I started to think, okay, the reason they're not listening to me is because they don't respect me. And I I was like, okay, they don't respect me, they respect their father more for some reason. And like why is it that they don't listen to me?

17:09 They're trying to make me angry. See, here's that other you know, common interpretation of their actions. So it snowballs into me feeling super angry. And then my actions where I started yelling at them and eventually I started to get into a shouting match with my son. So that was really fun and I told him to go to his room. So I wanted to remove him from the situation because I just I didn't want to keep arguing with him. So those were the actions I was taking and what ultimately ended up happening was we weren't talking to each other, like my son and I weren't talking to each other.

17:50 My daughter kind of like left. She was like I ain't going to deal with this, so she left and like it was just like me and him and like this animosity and like this, these feelings that both of us were feeling, because I know he was angry too. So you know, I'm like creating this, like disconnect between me and him and of course I don't want that at all. Right, and I know it's one situation. But if I don't like, try and have somebody coach me through this, because sometimes I can't do it myself, especially in the moment, like it's hard to do that in the moment, but I had to be coached and I I was able to do that because we're, you know, with a group of people who are trying to become master coaches, so they tried to help me through this process.

18:40 So I have much more clarity. Obviously, I pulled myself out of the situation it's been a couple of days but I have much more clarity in just becoming aware of what's happening. So I have to pay attention to the fact that I have this manual for the kids, right? So how is that benefiting me? It's not benefiting me, right? So I have to take another approach and understand, like a lot of different, you know things about that situation that are complex, but I also have to realize that they're kids and that just me, like getting upset, isn't going to help in any way and it's just going to make me more angry and it's going to result in more disconnect with the kids.

19:30 So that's just a real world example and a more recent example of how this stuff happens, even to us coaches, and that we also need to be coached, and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that I'm able to understand these concepts and know that I'm still human and I still go through them and I'm still growing. I love that. Thank you very much for sharing that. By the way, it's definitely when, when it comes to family, it is very difficult subject to kind of like bring up sometimes and, of course, like you don't want your husband or your wife to coach, to coach you, right at the same time, um, but, yes, you're right, in that specific moment, it is much easier for us to go down the path of whatever our emotions are telling us to do, Right, and what's awesome is when you realize that you can go that way, you can actually take it the opposite way, um, and I kind of want to share one, one little story.

20:22 Um, so this has to do with like, um, not necessarily a story, it's kind of like I want to give you an example, because some people think that when people get um, when people react a certain way, that you, you're forced to go down one path or another, right, you're forced to allow them, to control you. So you probably know people who, um, let's just say, call you names. For example, like, let's say, if somebody said, mark is an idiot, okay, so let me take you down these two different paths, all right. So if somebody tells me, mark, you're an idiot, and I have this immediate feeling like I'm just angry or I'm frustrated there may be some story in there that I believe that what this person's saying is true, right, but there's probably other people in my life who, if they said, mark, you're an idiot, and I'm like, oh okay, like you're the biggest idiot of them all, like yeah, and you let that kind of like bounce off of you.

21:17 It's not the actual words, it's our interpretation, right, and there's so many things that are going on in the background and I just wanted to let people know that that's. That's really the premise of the push method is that you get to control your reaction to it, rather than just thinking that it happens automatically and really, that's the. That's the best way that you can take ownership of all this. So I guess, to recap, number one is realize that you have a manual Most of us do and then number two is like, rip it up, become aware that you are. You have this manual for your family and we didn't even get into this, guys. There's like literally thousands of different things that we could teach you in this idea or in this, um, this realm, but one of them is just how about asking?

22:00 How about, like, just asking the person hey, like, would it be okay if you did this, or would it be okay if you did that? If not, it asking the person hey, like, would it be okay if you did this or would it be okay if you did that? If not, it's okay. And if they don't do it, you just also don't make it mean something about you, but just requesting them, rather than just like expecting them to know it all, because I'm sure there's a manual that your significant other or your kids have for you and you not being told like it doesn't that suck, that they're holding you to a standard that you don't even know exists. So just ask those questions and just really, you know, get that request in so that you can they can know what it is that you're like looking for and whether or not they do it. It does not. It's not going to make you happy or not like you said, why would you do that to yourself, where you would have someone else control you, like that?

22:54 So anyway, like you said, there's so much that we can teach on. I mean we didn't even dive into like manuals that we have for ourselves, so, but we'll end it here, but I hope you really got at least a tidbit of information that you can use right away, because I mean, it could even help you when it comes to when you're driving down the street and not getting upset because somebody cut you off right, I mean we have expectations for other people that we don't know. We expect them to stay in the lane or at least use their blinker to go into another lane. But anyway, I hope that was helpful. Thank you so much. All right, thank you guys, very much for listening to another episode and if you like this one, definitely reach out to us.

23:35 This is a little different than the rest.